By Danny Simon

Over the weekend, a twelve year old named Charlie saw Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter. It’s Monday morning, and Charlie sits imprisoned in a summer school classroom because he has to retake American History. The teacher is asleep, CNN is playing on the screen, and Charlie finds no mention of Lincoln’s simultaneous wars against slavery and vampires in his textbook. Now Charlie’s no fool. He knows that the movie was based on a book made from fact and fiction. Vampires don’t exist and before becoming president, Lincoln was a lawyer, not an axe wielding sociopath on a clandestine revenge trip. Unfortunately, Charlie will continue to believe the supposed facts that he’s read; the Civil War was fought because of President Lincoln’s moral objection to the practice of chattel slavery.