Trump, the Pirate of Hormuz

By Greg Palast, April 7

It was a mere 500 years ago that Europeans realized that the Strait of Hormuz was a trade choke point, when Portuguese Admiral Afonso de Albuquerque seized the Island of Hormuz to control trade in and out of the Persian Gulf. It was the first armed European conquest of Arabia meant to control international water routes and trade.

In other words, Trump and Hegseth didn’t know the importance of securing the Strait, although every ship captain has known about this chokepoint for centuries. Oh, well. As the philosopher George Santayana once said, “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it, or at the least get their asses kicked and watch gasoline prices go through the roof.” I’m not sure about the authenticity of the last phrase, but you get the idea.

The British, who are pretty good at the imperial power thing, grabbed Hormuz in 1622 from the Portuguese, with Iran’s help. Empires knew about Hormuz without the help of Google Maps.

Somehow, Hormuz’ strategic stranglehold on shipping seems to have slid by unnoticed by Trump’s trillion-dollar defense/intelligence combine.

Well, as Civil War journalist Ambrose Bierce said, “War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.”

But now that Trump has learned the hard way about the Hormuz choke point, he’s suggesting he might turn it into a profit center. He has suggested that an end to the war might include Iran and the US sharing the power to charge tolls to pass through the Strait (about $2 million per tanker!).

There is nothing new under the sun. Five centuries ago, the Portuguese conquistadors imposed a toll (“cartaz”) for ships trying to get through the Strait. Then, after the capture of Hormuz by the Shah of Iran and the mercenaries of the British East India Company, Persia and Britain agreed to split the loot from the cartaz.

The wee problem with Trump’s plan to collect passage tolls is that it violates international laws against piracy.

In 1801, a “new nation conceived in liberty,” the United States of America, declared all such tolls by trolls a crime against humanity. President Thomas Jefferson declared that henceforward, the US would be world’s protector of open seas. And he meant business. Jefferson sent the US Marines into Libya to defeat the Barbary pirates who were exacting tolls from ships passing along Africa’s Mediterranean coast.

Few Americans today know about Jefferson’s war against piracy. It survives mostly in the Marine Anthem, “From the Halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli,” the pirates’ capital.

But now, Donald “Bluebeard” Trump wants in on the extortion racket. When asked who would operate this new toll booth in the Gulf, Trump said, “Maybe me. Me and the Ayatollah, whoever the Ayatollah is, whoever the next Ayatollah.”

How interesting: Trump recently called Iran’s Ayatollahs “deranged scumbags” and “lunatics” — which, apparently, he thinks qualifies them as perfect business partners.

So, in the end, the ultimate goal of Trump’s war is not to end the Iranian regime’s murderous rule, but to go into business with them to shake down the planet.

Bluebeard Trump’s only remaining problem is that the parrot on his shoulder keeps saying, “That one’s hot, Jeffrey.”

My final concern: Trump’s latest post on Truth Social ordered the Ayatollahs to, “Open the Fuckin’ Strait, you crazy bastards,” his affectionate way of speaking to his would-be partners. Given that Trump renamed the Gulf of Mexico as the Gulf of America, are we now going to have to change our maps to replace, “Strait of Hormuz” with “Fuckin’ Strait?”